It Is Well With My Soul

I just returned from Italy, where I spoke in Rome and Milan at  conferences that were geared towards women who have suffered or are suffering abuse of some kind. The pain in these dear women's faces  and their stories still haunt me, but I am honored that I was  able to offer them some hope.

The title of my messages was "Stolen Identity." I told of my own journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse, and how I lived  governed by  lies about who I was. I explained how  recently I had begun a journey where I am discovering a new  identity, this time  governed by the truth of my heavenly Father's love.

The journey is a long one, and sometimes painful, but I can reassure you that God is faithful to complete the work that He has started in our lives. And it is a process that cannot be rushed or hurried along at will. The only requirement for this journey is a surrendered heart. God will decide how much we can bear, and at what intervals, as He leads us day by day. So we must learn to trust Him and not get anxious.  But we also must remember that the enemy of our soul does not want us to walk in freedom. He'd much rather we live the lie. So determination to follow God's leading, no matter how difficult it may seem, is a must.

I have found that the hardest part of my journey is in the realm of forgiveness. I could not embark at all on this leg of the journey until I had some understanding that I truly was loved by God. Thankfully, I am beginning to grasp this truth.

I had three abusers, but the hardest for me to forgive was my pastor. It was the most confusing abuse to sort out in my heart. It warped my understanding of God and love. But just last night, I believe God led me in the most gentle way to face this perpetrator, who has long been deceased, and to realize that I could forgive him. It all happened in a dream.

I found myself in a large worship service, and a guest singer was bellowing out the old hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." As he sang, he somehow understood that my heart was also singing the words over and over again:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows, like sea billows roll,
What 'ere be my lot, you have taught me to say,
"It is well. it is well, with my soul."

I was so lost in the power of the song that I did not even notice that he had stepped down from the podium and was singing as he walked through the audience, and he stopped and put the microphone to my lips. With eyes closed, I began to sing in harmony with him, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the office of my childhood pastor, my husband sitting next to me. I told  the pastor how his abuse had damaged my life for many years. I told him how he had lied when he had said that he "loved" me, and how much it hurt to now recognize this. But then the most amazing thing happened. I became aware of God's strong presence with me, ever so gently reminding me that the purpose of this visit was solely to help the pastor see he was in need of repentance because the Father longed to forgive him. There could be absolutely no place for anger or revenge.  My heart felt very pure and willing to obey my Father's gentle reminder. The pastor remained silent, and I was never able to know his reaction to my words. Maybe I don't need to know, and that's why the dream shifted back to me singing from the depth of my being, "What 'ere be my lot, you have taught me to say, 'It is well, it is well, with my soul.'"

I awoke with the song in my head. I have been singing it all day. It follows me wherever I go. And somehow, somehow, I know that I have finally forgiven.