I haven't written in a while, but not because life has been dull. It's been anything but that! But I apologize for not sharing recently. I have been getting up very early in the morning, (not as easy as I would like it to be), to spend some time reading, praying, and just being still. It has been a healthy discipline for me, though, both spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Yesterday I was reading in Luke about the centurion whose servant was very sick, and I can't stop thinking about this story. He loved this servant, and had heard about Jesus' ability to heal. What struck me was the fact that as important a person as the centurion was in that society, he felt unworthy to go to Jesus or to have Jesus come to him. In modern terms, he felt unworthy to go to God or to have God come to him: simply unworthy to be in God's presence at all. Yet he needed God's help in a situation he could not control.
I know I have also been there many times, feeling unworthy of God's love, attention or time, yet needing help because life is out of "my" control. In those circumstances, I tend to pray less, withdraw, and fill my days with busyness. Yet the centurion understood something about Jesus that I many times forget: that He has authority just by His word. Even if I don't feel worthy to enter His presence, (for whatever reason), I can be assured that His word is powerful and true. It can heal. His authority to meet my needs does not depend on my feelings, especially on how worthy I think I am, but solely on who He is...."Emanuel"..."God with us."
That Jesus was physically present did not matter to the centurion. He understood the power and authority given to Jesus (and today to His church). And Jesus said, "I have not found such great faith, even in Israel!" (Luke 7:9)
We can't "see" Jesus as in ancient times when He was physically on the earth. Yet we can imitate the centurion. When we feel unworthy of God's love or presence, we need to remember that His word is what matters, and He says He loves us and we are His sons and daughters. It's amazing how healing happens that seems impossible when we grasp this truth! Even healing of the deepest wounds!
A Support Group for Survivors of Sexual Abuse
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
A Talking Horse?
I was standing Friday evening inside my barn watching my mare. I had the door slightly open and I was leaning against the stall wall, talking softly to her. But her attitude was anything but friendly. Her ears were flat back against her head, and she had turned her backside toward me. I didn't move, just quietly stood there talking to her and wondering if she would ever trust me again.
This past Monday I had asked my farrier ( the man who shoes horses, in case you don't know equestrian vocabulary) to give my two horses their yearly shots. My husband usually did it, but he was practically immobile with back pain. The problem occurred when the shot was given too high in the muscle, which caused the mare pain and swelling. She was definitely angry with me, baring her teeth and threatening to kick. I had worked so hard in the past trying to earn her trust. She had been born on our farm, and now was in her early twenties. Ever since she was young and we had sent her off for training, she had a very distrusting mentality towards humans. We always knew she must have been mistreated and abused during those early years of her life to have developed such a fear and inability to trust the very people who truly loved and cared for her.
So I stood talking in a soothing voice, watching and wondering if the situation would ever be redeemable, if she would ever really trust me even in the slightest.
As I gave a deep sigh, thinking of the alternatives if she did not respond positively, it was as if I heard a still quiet voice call my name. "Sally, your mare is just like you. Can't you see? When she was young, she innocently trusted humans. But the first time they caused her pain, she developed a seed of mistrust. Each time something happened that caused her more pain at the hand of a human, that seed grew. This new pain is making it very hard for her to trust you, even though you love her."
Wow, the picture of my life! So suddenly crystal clear. The people I innocently trusted as a child repeatedly hurt me. It definitely has had it's impact on my ability to trust, even the people who truly love me. Not to mention my ability to trust a God who I cannot see.
But the good news for me is that God kept quietly waiting at my heart's door, as I was standing now at my horses's stall door. He kept speaking softly to me, understanding my fears and mistrust. And one day I finally turned around and welcomed Him into the deepest places of my fears. I am still learning day by day to trust Him more and realizing how very much He loves me.
My mare still cautiously watches me, not daring to show any sign of welcoming my presence. Yet God's gentle voice spoke through her straight to my heart, revealing more of my own self, bringing more healing to my life. He used a donkey to talk to a man once. Friday night, he used a horse.
This past Monday I had asked my farrier ( the man who shoes horses, in case you don't know equestrian vocabulary) to give my two horses their yearly shots. My husband usually did it, but he was practically immobile with back pain. The problem occurred when the shot was given too high in the muscle, which caused the mare pain and swelling. She was definitely angry with me, baring her teeth and threatening to kick. I had worked so hard in the past trying to earn her trust. She had been born on our farm, and now was in her early twenties. Ever since she was young and we had sent her off for training, she had a very distrusting mentality towards humans. We always knew she must have been mistreated and abused during those early years of her life to have developed such a fear and inability to trust the very people who truly loved and cared for her.
So I stood talking in a soothing voice, watching and wondering if the situation would ever be redeemable, if she would ever really trust me even in the slightest.
As I gave a deep sigh, thinking of the alternatives if she did not respond positively, it was as if I heard a still quiet voice call my name. "Sally, your mare is just like you. Can't you see? When she was young, she innocently trusted humans. But the first time they caused her pain, she developed a seed of mistrust. Each time something happened that caused her more pain at the hand of a human, that seed grew. This new pain is making it very hard for her to trust you, even though you love her."
Wow, the picture of my life! So suddenly crystal clear. The people I innocently trusted as a child repeatedly hurt me. It definitely has had it's impact on my ability to trust, even the people who truly love me. Not to mention my ability to trust a God who I cannot see.
But the good news for me is that God kept quietly waiting at my heart's door, as I was standing now at my horses's stall door. He kept speaking softly to me, understanding my fears and mistrust. And one day I finally turned around and welcomed Him into the deepest places of my fears. I am still learning day by day to trust Him more and realizing how very much He loves me.
My mare still cautiously watches me, not daring to show any sign of welcoming my presence. Yet God's gentle voice spoke through her straight to my heart, revealing more of my own self, bringing more healing to my life. He used a donkey to talk to a man once. Friday night, he used a horse.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Caregiver
I woke up this morning with the 23rd Psalm on my mind. Only it was a very personal version, an answer to some inward struggles that I have been dealing with... fears that still grip me at times, that have roots from my childhood. But they are things I am willing to face, because I know the truth will set me free and will take me one step further on the road to wholeness.
I decided to share this morning's early inspiration, in hopes that it will speak to you as deeply as it did me.
Psalm 23
I decided to share this morning's early inspiration, in hopes that it will speak to you as deeply as it did me.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my caregiver, so everything I need is supplied.
He makes me rest and be quiet so that my soul can be replenished.
He leads me in a good direction so my life brings Him glory.
Even when times are hard and I can’t see through the darkness, I don’t have to be afraid, because He is there to comfort me. He pours his love and grace on me when I am struggling or misunderstood, and it fills me to overflowing.
His goodness and mercy will be the shadow that follows me wherever I go, and I will always live in His presence.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A Whisper of Love
Sometimes we are so involved in the business of everyday living that we forget that God watches over us, and that He is never far away. The Scripture states it clearly in Psalm 121:8: "The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."(NIV) But we come and go constantly, most of the time oblivious to the fact that anyone is observing us, much less God Himself. That is...until He reminds us in an unforgettable way.
This past Tuesday I drove two dear friends from Italy to the airport to catch their flight to New York and then on to Milan. We arrived at the ticket counter in plenty of time, or so we thought. When I went to the first self-service counter and had trouble punching in the information, the airport employee directed me down to another line. There I was helped by another employee, but to my surprise, when I punched in the flight information for my friends' reservations, huge letters popped up across the screen: THIS FLIGHT HAS DEPARTED. How could that be? We had arrived two hours early!
When I showed the airline employee the itinerary I held in my hand, she informed me that they had missed their flight. Apparently my dear friend had read the wrong line and we had arrived two hours late! Poor Valeria. It had been her mistake and she was devastated. This would mean purchasing new tickets, and they had a very limited amount of money. I spoke with the airline employee, who called the manager over. He looked at my friends and smiled. With unusual kindness, he and the employee worked until they had changed the flight to New York, not charging the change fees nor the luggage fees. On top of that, they printed me a pass so that I could accompany my friends to the gate! I fly enough to know that this never happens. Fees are never waived like this. Especially twice! One of the women looked at me and said, "This is a miracle. The Lord truly watches our coming and going." Tears swelled in her beautiful hazel eyes. It was a holy moment...a "whisper of love" from the Heavenly Father. A concrete reminder that he watches over His children, and is not bound by laws or systems.
The next time you feel alone or forsaken, I hope you will remember that He also watches over you. Even when we make mistakes, misinterpret His will for our lives, or miss it altogether, He can miraculously redeem the situation and get us exactly where we need to go. He already paid the price, leaving us astounded by His kindness, mercy, and every once and a while, a special "whisper of love."
This past Tuesday I drove two dear friends from Italy to the airport to catch their flight to New York and then on to Milan. We arrived at the ticket counter in plenty of time, or so we thought. When I went to the first self-service counter and had trouble punching in the information, the airport employee directed me down to another line. There I was helped by another employee, but to my surprise, when I punched in the flight information for my friends' reservations, huge letters popped up across the screen: THIS FLIGHT HAS DEPARTED. How could that be? We had arrived two hours early!
When I showed the airline employee the itinerary I held in my hand, she informed me that they had missed their flight. Apparently my dear friend had read the wrong line and we had arrived two hours late! Poor Valeria. It had been her mistake and she was devastated. This would mean purchasing new tickets, and they had a very limited amount of money. I spoke with the airline employee, who called the manager over. He looked at my friends and smiled. With unusual kindness, he and the employee worked until they had changed the flight to New York, not charging the change fees nor the luggage fees. On top of that, they printed me a pass so that I could accompany my friends to the gate! I fly enough to know that this never happens. Fees are never waived like this. Especially twice! One of the women looked at me and said, "This is a miracle. The Lord truly watches our coming and going." Tears swelled in her beautiful hazel eyes. It was a holy moment...a "whisper of love" from the Heavenly Father. A concrete reminder that he watches over His children, and is not bound by laws or systems.
The next time you feel alone or forsaken, I hope you will remember that He also watches over you. Even when we make mistakes, misinterpret His will for our lives, or miss it altogether, He can miraculously redeem the situation and get us exactly where we need to go. He already paid the price, leaving us astounded by His kindness, mercy, and every once and a while, a special "whisper of love."
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Night "Mares"
I love horses, and have been a horse owner for many years. There was a time where my mares were foaling regularly, and it was usually in the middle of the night. I loved being there to see the new baby struggle to its feet for the first time! So I've had memorable experiences at night with mares.
But this is not about horses. Rather, about nightmares, the scary kind. I had been plagued by them ever since I can remember. They were such a part of my life, that I thought that everyone always had dreams of being chased by some evil man, or finding oneself totally mute when faced with danger, or in some precarious and life-threatening situation. It was just a few years ago that I realized my "night life" was not normal, and that other people actually had pleasant dreams.
So why the constant terror during my sleeping moments? It definitely related back to my abusive childhood. When sexual abuse finds its way into your bedroom as a child, the nightmares also invade what should be a "safe" place. However, since the time that I embarked on a very determined road to find inner healing from my childhood memories, the nightmares have been fewer; in fact, they have almost totally been eradicated from my dreamworld. Yes, once in a great while, especially if I am dealing with a new phase of the healing process in my life, they tend to reappear. But because I now understand their origin, they have lost their lingering impact on my mind. Instead, I bring them to God and ask Him to show me the meaning so I can confront anything that may still be lingering in my unconscious mind that has not yet been healed. He seems always to be faithful to do that, which then allows me to face a once hidden fear head on. Once identified, the fear loses its grip on me, and another step toward freedom and wholeness is made.
When I was in Italy recently, I found a little wall plaque that I have placed over my bed. I faithfully read it every night, which not only helps my Italian, but my heart as well! It is from Psalm 4:8: "I will both lie down in peace and sleep: for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
If you are suffering from nightmares from an abusive past, please know that there is healing. God intends for us to have sweet and restful sleep. As we call out to Him, He does hear us, heal us, and deliver us from evil.
But this is not about horses. Rather, about nightmares, the scary kind. I had been plagued by them ever since I can remember. They were such a part of my life, that I thought that everyone always had dreams of being chased by some evil man, or finding oneself totally mute when faced with danger, or in some precarious and life-threatening situation. It was just a few years ago that I realized my "night life" was not normal, and that other people actually had pleasant dreams.
So why the constant terror during my sleeping moments? It definitely related back to my abusive childhood. When sexual abuse finds its way into your bedroom as a child, the nightmares also invade what should be a "safe" place. However, since the time that I embarked on a very determined road to find inner healing from my childhood memories, the nightmares have been fewer; in fact, they have almost totally been eradicated from my dreamworld. Yes, once in a great while, especially if I am dealing with a new phase of the healing process in my life, they tend to reappear. But because I now understand their origin, they have lost their lingering impact on my mind. Instead, I bring them to God and ask Him to show me the meaning so I can confront anything that may still be lingering in my unconscious mind that has not yet been healed. He seems always to be faithful to do that, which then allows me to face a once hidden fear head on. Once identified, the fear loses its grip on me, and another step toward freedom and wholeness is made.
When I was in Italy recently, I found a little wall plaque that I have placed over my bed. I faithfully read it every night, which not only helps my Italian, but my heart as well! It is from Psalm 4:8: "I will both lie down in peace and sleep: for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
If you are suffering from nightmares from an abusive past, please know that there is healing. God intends for us to have sweet and restful sleep. As we call out to Him, He does hear us, heal us, and deliver us from evil.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The Perfect Fruit
I have the privilege of living on a six-acre farm where we have fresh vegetables, blueberries, and figs every summer. Yesterday evening I was outside picking some juicy ripe figs, and decided later on to investigate via the internet the nutritional value of this ancient fruit. To my surprise, I learned that it has for centuries been considered the "perfect fruit" because of the variety of vitamins and minerals it contains. It can lower blood pressure, has more calcium than milk, and the list of its benefits goes on and on.
I wonder, is that why Adam and Eve, of all the trees of the garden, chose fig leaves to cover themselves? Were they looking for perfection, or better yet, attempting to cover themselves with "perfection" in order to be accepted by God?
Unfortunately, for me, (and I know for many others), perfectionism has been a driving force in my life, as if it could bring me God's divine approval, or the approval of the people I love. We all, to some degree, seek and need affirmation, but those of us who have suffered any kind of abuse in childhood fall prone to this need in unhealthy ways. Yet trying to be perfect cannot bring us any closer to God, nor achieve His acceptance, than would standing nude and covering ourselves with a bunch of fig leaves! The truth is that God loves us because He created us, not because of our performance. His grace is sufficient. We need to learn to walk in the freedom of this truth. Trying to be perfect actually just leads to repetitive failure, feelings of negative self worth, and actually drives us away from others and from understanding God's grace and love.
So the next time we are tempted to fall into the trap of thinking that "if my performance were just a little better I would be more loved," remember the figs. We did not create the "perfect fruit." God did.
The only perfection we have or need is in Him!
I wonder, is that why Adam and Eve, of all the trees of the garden, chose fig leaves to cover themselves? Were they looking for perfection, or better yet, attempting to cover themselves with "perfection" in order to be accepted by God?
Unfortunately, for me, (and I know for many others), perfectionism has been a driving force in my life, as if it could bring me God's divine approval, or the approval of the people I love. We all, to some degree, seek and need affirmation, but those of us who have suffered any kind of abuse in childhood fall prone to this need in unhealthy ways. Yet trying to be perfect cannot bring us any closer to God, nor achieve His acceptance, than would standing nude and covering ourselves with a bunch of fig leaves! The truth is that God loves us because He created us, not because of our performance. His grace is sufficient. We need to learn to walk in the freedom of this truth. Trying to be perfect actually just leads to repetitive failure, feelings of negative self worth, and actually drives us away from others and from understanding God's grace and love.
So the next time we are tempted to fall into the trap of thinking that "if my performance were just a little better I would be more loved," remember the figs. We did not create the "perfect fruit." God did.
The only perfection we have or need is in Him!
It Is Well With My Soul, Part II
Sometimes, in order to sink a truth deep into our soul, God reinforces what He has told us in ways that are so obvious, that we can not be mistaken that it is truly our Abba, Father who has spoken. That is exactly what happened to me at church last Sunday.
If you read my previous blog entry, you will know that I had a dream that was very moving and real, and was focused on letting me know that everything was well with my heart and that I had truly forgiven a pastor who had committed some horrendous acts against my being. I woke up with the dream on my mind, and the old song "It Is Well With My Soul" ringing in my heart and mind.
So last Sunday, the worship leader, who looked remarkably like the young worship leader in my dream, began to sing "It Is Well With My Soul." My church does not usually sing the old hymns, because we have many apt songwriters among us and sing many original worship songs, but that Sunday, while the dream was still fresh in my mind, God let me know that what I had experienced while sleeping was truly a reality and that all was well with my soul!
If you read my previous blog entry, you will know that I had a dream that was very moving and real, and was focused on letting me know that everything was well with my heart and that I had truly forgiven a pastor who had committed some horrendous acts against my being. I woke up with the dream on my mind, and the old song "It Is Well With My Soul" ringing in my heart and mind.
So last Sunday, the worship leader, who looked remarkably like the young worship leader in my dream, began to sing "It Is Well With My Soul." My church does not usually sing the old hymns, because we have many apt songwriters among us and sing many original worship songs, but that Sunday, while the dream was still fresh in my mind, God let me know that what I had experienced while sleeping was truly a reality and that all was well with my soul!
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