I haven't written in a while, but not because life has been dull. It's been anything but that! But I apologize for not sharing recently. I have been getting up very early in the morning, (not as easy as I would like it to be), to spend some time reading, praying, and just being still. It has been a healthy discipline for me, though, both spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Yesterday I was reading in Luke about the centurion whose servant was very sick, and I can't stop thinking about this story. He loved this servant, and had heard about Jesus' ability to heal. What struck me was the fact that as important a person as the centurion was in that society, he felt unworthy to go to Jesus or to have Jesus come to him. In modern terms, he felt unworthy to go to God or to have God come to him: simply unworthy to be in God's presence at all. Yet he needed God's help in a situation he could not control.
I know I have also been there many times, feeling unworthy of God's love, attention or time, yet needing help because life is out of "my" control. In those circumstances, I tend to pray less, withdraw, and fill my days with busyness. Yet the centurion understood something about Jesus that I many times forget: that He has authority just by His word. Even if I don't feel worthy to enter His presence, (for whatever reason), I can be assured that His word is powerful and true. It can heal. His authority to meet my needs does not depend on my feelings, especially on how worthy I think I am, but solely on who He is...."Emanuel"..."God with us."
That Jesus was physically present did not matter to the centurion. He understood the power and authority given to Jesus (and today to His church). And Jesus said, "I have not found such great faith, even in Israel!" (Luke 7:9)
We can't "see" Jesus as in ancient times when He was physically on the earth. Yet we can imitate the centurion. When we feel unworthy of God's love or presence, we need to remember that His word is what matters, and He says He loves us and we are His sons and daughters. It's amazing how healing happens that seems impossible when we grasp this truth! Even healing of the deepest wounds!
A Support Group for Survivors of Sexual Abuse
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
A Talking Horse?
I was standing Friday evening inside my barn watching my mare. I had the door slightly open and I was leaning against the stall wall, talking softly to her. But her attitude was anything but friendly. Her ears were flat back against her head, and she had turned her backside toward me. I didn't move, just quietly stood there talking to her and wondering if she would ever trust me again.
This past Monday I had asked my farrier ( the man who shoes horses, in case you don't know equestrian vocabulary) to give my two horses their yearly shots. My husband usually did it, but he was practically immobile with back pain. The problem occurred when the shot was given too high in the muscle, which caused the mare pain and swelling. She was definitely angry with me, baring her teeth and threatening to kick. I had worked so hard in the past trying to earn her trust. She had been born on our farm, and now was in her early twenties. Ever since she was young and we had sent her off for training, she had a very distrusting mentality towards humans. We always knew she must have been mistreated and abused during those early years of her life to have developed such a fear and inability to trust the very people who truly loved and cared for her.
So I stood talking in a soothing voice, watching and wondering if the situation would ever be redeemable, if she would ever really trust me even in the slightest.
As I gave a deep sigh, thinking of the alternatives if she did not respond positively, it was as if I heard a still quiet voice call my name. "Sally, your mare is just like you. Can't you see? When she was young, she innocently trusted humans. But the first time they caused her pain, she developed a seed of mistrust. Each time something happened that caused her more pain at the hand of a human, that seed grew. This new pain is making it very hard for her to trust you, even though you love her."
Wow, the picture of my life! So suddenly crystal clear. The people I innocently trusted as a child repeatedly hurt me. It definitely has had it's impact on my ability to trust, even the people who truly love me. Not to mention my ability to trust a God who I cannot see.
But the good news for me is that God kept quietly waiting at my heart's door, as I was standing now at my horses's stall door. He kept speaking softly to me, understanding my fears and mistrust. And one day I finally turned around and welcomed Him into the deepest places of my fears. I am still learning day by day to trust Him more and realizing how very much He loves me.
My mare still cautiously watches me, not daring to show any sign of welcoming my presence. Yet God's gentle voice spoke through her straight to my heart, revealing more of my own self, bringing more healing to my life. He used a donkey to talk to a man once. Friday night, he used a horse.
This past Monday I had asked my farrier ( the man who shoes horses, in case you don't know equestrian vocabulary) to give my two horses their yearly shots. My husband usually did it, but he was practically immobile with back pain. The problem occurred when the shot was given too high in the muscle, which caused the mare pain and swelling. She was definitely angry with me, baring her teeth and threatening to kick. I had worked so hard in the past trying to earn her trust. She had been born on our farm, and now was in her early twenties. Ever since she was young and we had sent her off for training, she had a very distrusting mentality towards humans. We always knew she must have been mistreated and abused during those early years of her life to have developed such a fear and inability to trust the very people who truly loved and cared for her.
So I stood talking in a soothing voice, watching and wondering if the situation would ever be redeemable, if she would ever really trust me even in the slightest.
As I gave a deep sigh, thinking of the alternatives if she did not respond positively, it was as if I heard a still quiet voice call my name. "Sally, your mare is just like you. Can't you see? When she was young, she innocently trusted humans. But the first time they caused her pain, she developed a seed of mistrust. Each time something happened that caused her more pain at the hand of a human, that seed grew. This new pain is making it very hard for her to trust you, even though you love her."
Wow, the picture of my life! So suddenly crystal clear. The people I innocently trusted as a child repeatedly hurt me. It definitely has had it's impact on my ability to trust, even the people who truly love me. Not to mention my ability to trust a God who I cannot see.
But the good news for me is that God kept quietly waiting at my heart's door, as I was standing now at my horses's stall door. He kept speaking softly to me, understanding my fears and mistrust. And one day I finally turned around and welcomed Him into the deepest places of my fears. I am still learning day by day to trust Him more and realizing how very much He loves me.
My mare still cautiously watches me, not daring to show any sign of welcoming my presence. Yet God's gentle voice spoke through her straight to my heart, revealing more of my own self, bringing more healing to my life. He used a donkey to talk to a man once. Friday night, he used a horse.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Caregiver
I woke up this morning with the 23rd Psalm on my mind. Only it was a very personal version, an answer to some inward struggles that I have been dealing with... fears that still grip me at times, that have roots from my childhood. But they are things I am willing to face, because I know the truth will set me free and will take me one step further on the road to wholeness.
I decided to share this morning's early inspiration, in hopes that it will speak to you as deeply as it did me.
Psalm 23
I decided to share this morning's early inspiration, in hopes that it will speak to you as deeply as it did me.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my caregiver, so everything I need is supplied.
He makes me rest and be quiet so that my soul can be replenished.
He leads me in a good direction so my life brings Him glory.
Even when times are hard and I can’t see through the darkness, I don’t have to be afraid, because He is there to comfort me. He pours his love and grace on me when I am struggling or misunderstood, and it fills me to overflowing.
His goodness and mercy will be the shadow that follows me wherever I go, and I will always live in His presence.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A Whisper of Love
Sometimes we are so involved in the business of everyday living that we forget that God watches over us, and that He is never far away. The Scripture states it clearly in Psalm 121:8: "The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."(NIV) But we come and go constantly, most of the time oblivious to the fact that anyone is observing us, much less God Himself. That is...until He reminds us in an unforgettable way.
This past Tuesday I drove two dear friends from Italy to the airport to catch their flight to New York and then on to Milan. We arrived at the ticket counter in plenty of time, or so we thought. When I went to the first self-service counter and had trouble punching in the information, the airport employee directed me down to another line. There I was helped by another employee, but to my surprise, when I punched in the flight information for my friends' reservations, huge letters popped up across the screen: THIS FLIGHT HAS DEPARTED. How could that be? We had arrived two hours early!
When I showed the airline employee the itinerary I held in my hand, she informed me that they had missed their flight. Apparently my dear friend had read the wrong line and we had arrived two hours late! Poor Valeria. It had been her mistake and she was devastated. This would mean purchasing new tickets, and they had a very limited amount of money. I spoke with the airline employee, who called the manager over. He looked at my friends and smiled. With unusual kindness, he and the employee worked until they had changed the flight to New York, not charging the change fees nor the luggage fees. On top of that, they printed me a pass so that I could accompany my friends to the gate! I fly enough to know that this never happens. Fees are never waived like this. Especially twice! One of the women looked at me and said, "This is a miracle. The Lord truly watches our coming and going." Tears swelled in her beautiful hazel eyes. It was a holy moment...a "whisper of love" from the Heavenly Father. A concrete reminder that he watches over His children, and is not bound by laws or systems.
The next time you feel alone or forsaken, I hope you will remember that He also watches over you. Even when we make mistakes, misinterpret His will for our lives, or miss it altogether, He can miraculously redeem the situation and get us exactly where we need to go. He already paid the price, leaving us astounded by His kindness, mercy, and every once and a while, a special "whisper of love."
This past Tuesday I drove two dear friends from Italy to the airport to catch their flight to New York and then on to Milan. We arrived at the ticket counter in plenty of time, or so we thought. When I went to the first self-service counter and had trouble punching in the information, the airport employee directed me down to another line. There I was helped by another employee, but to my surprise, when I punched in the flight information for my friends' reservations, huge letters popped up across the screen: THIS FLIGHT HAS DEPARTED. How could that be? We had arrived two hours early!
When I showed the airline employee the itinerary I held in my hand, she informed me that they had missed their flight. Apparently my dear friend had read the wrong line and we had arrived two hours late! Poor Valeria. It had been her mistake and she was devastated. This would mean purchasing new tickets, and they had a very limited amount of money. I spoke with the airline employee, who called the manager over. He looked at my friends and smiled. With unusual kindness, he and the employee worked until they had changed the flight to New York, not charging the change fees nor the luggage fees. On top of that, they printed me a pass so that I could accompany my friends to the gate! I fly enough to know that this never happens. Fees are never waived like this. Especially twice! One of the women looked at me and said, "This is a miracle. The Lord truly watches our coming and going." Tears swelled in her beautiful hazel eyes. It was a holy moment...a "whisper of love" from the Heavenly Father. A concrete reminder that he watches over His children, and is not bound by laws or systems.
The next time you feel alone or forsaken, I hope you will remember that He also watches over you. Even when we make mistakes, misinterpret His will for our lives, or miss it altogether, He can miraculously redeem the situation and get us exactly where we need to go. He already paid the price, leaving us astounded by His kindness, mercy, and every once and a while, a special "whisper of love."
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Night "Mares"
I love horses, and have been a horse owner for many years. There was a time where my mares were foaling regularly, and it was usually in the middle of the night. I loved being there to see the new baby struggle to its feet for the first time! So I've had memorable experiences at night with mares.
But this is not about horses. Rather, about nightmares, the scary kind. I had been plagued by them ever since I can remember. They were such a part of my life, that I thought that everyone always had dreams of being chased by some evil man, or finding oneself totally mute when faced with danger, or in some precarious and life-threatening situation. It was just a few years ago that I realized my "night life" was not normal, and that other people actually had pleasant dreams.
So why the constant terror during my sleeping moments? It definitely related back to my abusive childhood. When sexual abuse finds its way into your bedroom as a child, the nightmares also invade what should be a "safe" place. However, since the time that I embarked on a very determined road to find inner healing from my childhood memories, the nightmares have been fewer; in fact, they have almost totally been eradicated from my dreamworld. Yes, once in a great while, especially if I am dealing with a new phase of the healing process in my life, they tend to reappear. But because I now understand their origin, they have lost their lingering impact on my mind. Instead, I bring them to God and ask Him to show me the meaning so I can confront anything that may still be lingering in my unconscious mind that has not yet been healed. He seems always to be faithful to do that, which then allows me to face a once hidden fear head on. Once identified, the fear loses its grip on me, and another step toward freedom and wholeness is made.
When I was in Italy recently, I found a little wall plaque that I have placed over my bed. I faithfully read it every night, which not only helps my Italian, but my heart as well! It is from Psalm 4:8: "I will both lie down in peace and sleep: for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
If you are suffering from nightmares from an abusive past, please know that there is healing. God intends for us to have sweet and restful sleep. As we call out to Him, He does hear us, heal us, and deliver us from evil.
But this is not about horses. Rather, about nightmares, the scary kind. I had been plagued by them ever since I can remember. They were such a part of my life, that I thought that everyone always had dreams of being chased by some evil man, or finding oneself totally mute when faced with danger, or in some precarious and life-threatening situation. It was just a few years ago that I realized my "night life" was not normal, and that other people actually had pleasant dreams.
So why the constant terror during my sleeping moments? It definitely related back to my abusive childhood. When sexual abuse finds its way into your bedroom as a child, the nightmares also invade what should be a "safe" place. However, since the time that I embarked on a very determined road to find inner healing from my childhood memories, the nightmares have been fewer; in fact, they have almost totally been eradicated from my dreamworld. Yes, once in a great while, especially if I am dealing with a new phase of the healing process in my life, they tend to reappear. But because I now understand their origin, they have lost their lingering impact on my mind. Instead, I bring them to God and ask Him to show me the meaning so I can confront anything that may still be lingering in my unconscious mind that has not yet been healed. He seems always to be faithful to do that, which then allows me to face a once hidden fear head on. Once identified, the fear loses its grip on me, and another step toward freedom and wholeness is made.
When I was in Italy recently, I found a little wall plaque that I have placed over my bed. I faithfully read it every night, which not only helps my Italian, but my heart as well! It is from Psalm 4:8: "I will both lie down in peace and sleep: for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
If you are suffering from nightmares from an abusive past, please know that there is healing. God intends for us to have sweet and restful sleep. As we call out to Him, He does hear us, heal us, and deliver us from evil.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The Perfect Fruit
I have the privilege of living on a six-acre farm where we have fresh vegetables, blueberries, and figs every summer. Yesterday evening I was outside picking some juicy ripe figs, and decided later on to investigate via the internet the nutritional value of this ancient fruit. To my surprise, I learned that it has for centuries been considered the "perfect fruit" because of the variety of vitamins and minerals it contains. It can lower blood pressure, has more calcium than milk, and the list of its benefits goes on and on.
I wonder, is that why Adam and Eve, of all the trees of the garden, chose fig leaves to cover themselves? Were they looking for perfection, or better yet, attempting to cover themselves with "perfection" in order to be accepted by God?
Unfortunately, for me, (and I know for many others), perfectionism has been a driving force in my life, as if it could bring me God's divine approval, or the approval of the people I love. We all, to some degree, seek and need affirmation, but those of us who have suffered any kind of abuse in childhood fall prone to this need in unhealthy ways. Yet trying to be perfect cannot bring us any closer to God, nor achieve His acceptance, than would standing nude and covering ourselves with a bunch of fig leaves! The truth is that God loves us because He created us, not because of our performance. His grace is sufficient. We need to learn to walk in the freedom of this truth. Trying to be perfect actually just leads to repetitive failure, feelings of negative self worth, and actually drives us away from others and from understanding God's grace and love.
So the next time we are tempted to fall into the trap of thinking that "if my performance were just a little better I would be more loved," remember the figs. We did not create the "perfect fruit." God did.
The only perfection we have or need is in Him!
I wonder, is that why Adam and Eve, of all the trees of the garden, chose fig leaves to cover themselves? Were they looking for perfection, or better yet, attempting to cover themselves with "perfection" in order to be accepted by God?
Unfortunately, for me, (and I know for many others), perfectionism has been a driving force in my life, as if it could bring me God's divine approval, or the approval of the people I love. We all, to some degree, seek and need affirmation, but those of us who have suffered any kind of abuse in childhood fall prone to this need in unhealthy ways. Yet trying to be perfect cannot bring us any closer to God, nor achieve His acceptance, than would standing nude and covering ourselves with a bunch of fig leaves! The truth is that God loves us because He created us, not because of our performance. His grace is sufficient. We need to learn to walk in the freedom of this truth. Trying to be perfect actually just leads to repetitive failure, feelings of negative self worth, and actually drives us away from others and from understanding God's grace and love.
So the next time we are tempted to fall into the trap of thinking that "if my performance were just a little better I would be more loved," remember the figs. We did not create the "perfect fruit." God did.
The only perfection we have or need is in Him!
It Is Well With My Soul, Part II
Sometimes, in order to sink a truth deep into our soul, God reinforces what He has told us in ways that are so obvious, that we can not be mistaken that it is truly our Abba, Father who has spoken. That is exactly what happened to me at church last Sunday.
If you read my previous blog entry, you will know that I had a dream that was very moving and real, and was focused on letting me know that everything was well with my heart and that I had truly forgiven a pastor who had committed some horrendous acts against my being. I woke up with the dream on my mind, and the old song "It Is Well With My Soul" ringing in my heart and mind.
So last Sunday, the worship leader, who looked remarkably like the young worship leader in my dream, began to sing "It Is Well With My Soul." My church does not usually sing the old hymns, because we have many apt songwriters among us and sing many original worship songs, but that Sunday, while the dream was still fresh in my mind, God let me know that what I had experienced while sleeping was truly a reality and that all was well with my soul!
If you read my previous blog entry, you will know that I had a dream that was very moving and real, and was focused on letting me know that everything was well with my heart and that I had truly forgiven a pastor who had committed some horrendous acts against my being. I woke up with the dream on my mind, and the old song "It Is Well With My Soul" ringing in my heart and mind.
So last Sunday, the worship leader, who looked remarkably like the young worship leader in my dream, began to sing "It Is Well With My Soul." My church does not usually sing the old hymns, because we have many apt songwriters among us and sing many original worship songs, but that Sunday, while the dream was still fresh in my mind, God let me know that what I had experienced while sleeping was truly a reality and that all was well with my soul!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
It Is Well With My Soul
I just returned from Italy, where I spoke in Rome and Milan at conferences that were geared towards women who have suffered or are suffering abuse of some kind. The pain in these dear women's faces and their stories still haunt me, but I am honored that I was able to offer them some hope.
The title of my messages was "Stolen Identity." I told of my own journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse, and how I lived governed by lies about who I was. I explained how recently I had begun a journey where I am discovering a new identity, this time governed by the truth of my heavenly Father's love.
The journey is a long one, and sometimes painful, but I can reassure you that God is faithful to complete the work that He has started in our lives. And it is a process that cannot be rushed or hurried along at will. The only requirement for this journey is a surrendered heart. God will decide how much we can bear, and at what intervals, as He leads us day by day. So we must learn to trust Him and not get anxious. But we also must remember that the enemy of our soul does not want us to walk in freedom. He'd much rather we live the lie. So determination to follow God's leading, no matter how difficult it may seem, is a must.
I have found that the hardest part of my journey is in the realm of forgiveness. I could not embark at all on this leg of the journey until I had some understanding that I truly was loved by God. Thankfully, I am beginning to grasp this truth.
I had three abusers, but the hardest for me to forgive was my pastor. It was the most confusing abuse to sort out in my heart. It warped my understanding of God and love. But just last night, I believe God led me in the most gentle way to face this perpetrator, who has long been deceased, and to realize that I could forgive him. It all happened in a dream.
I found myself in a large worship service, and a guest singer was bellowing out the old hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." As he sang, he somehow understood that my heart was also singing the words over and over again:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows, like sea billows roll,
What 'ere be my lot, you have taught me to say,
"It is well. it is well, with my soul."
I was so lost in the power of the song that I did not even notice that he had stepped down from the podium and was singing as he walked through the audience, and he stopped and put the microphone to my lips. With eyes closed, I began to sing in harmony with him, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."
The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the office of my childhood pastor, my husband sitting next to me. I told the pastor how his abuse had damaged my life for many years. I told him how he had lied when he had said that he "loved" me, and how much it hurt to now recognize this. But then the most amazing thing happened. I became aware of God's strong presence with me, ever so gently reminding me that the purpose of this visit was solely to help the pastor see he was in need of repentance because the Father longed to forgive him. There could be absolutely no place for anger or revenge. My heart felt very pure and willing to obey my Father's gentle reminder. The pastor remained silent, and I was never able to know his reaction to my words. Maybe I don't need to know, and that's why the dream shifted back to me singing from the depth of my being, "What 'ere be my lot, you have taught me to say, 'It is well, it is well, with my soul.'"
I awoke with the song in my head. I have been singing it all day. It follows me wherever I go. And somehow, somehow, I know that I have finally forgiven.
The title of my messages was "Stolen Identity." I told of my own journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse, and how I lived governed by lies about who I was. I explained how recently I had begun a journey where I am discovering a new identity, this time governed by the truth of my heavenly Father's love.
The journey is a long one, and sometimes painful, but I can reassure you that God is faithful to complete the work that He has started in our lives. And it is a process that cannot be rushed or hurried along at will. The only requirement for this journey is a surrendered heart. God will decide how much we can bear, and at what intervals, as He leads us day by day. So we must learn to trust Him and not get anxious. But we also must remember that the enemy of our soul does not want us to walk in freedom. He'd much rather we live the lie. So determination to follow God's leading, no matter how difficult it may seem, is a must.
I have found that the hardest part of my journey is in the realm of forgiveness. I could not embark at all on this leg of the journey until I had some understanding that I truly was loved by God. Thankfully, I am beginning to grasp this truth.
I had three abusers, but the hardest for me to forgive was my pastor. It was the most confusing abuse to sort out in my heart. It warped my understanding of God and love. But just last night, I believe God led me in the most gentle way to face this perpetrator, who has long been deceased, and to realize that I could forgive him. It all happened in a dream.
I found myself in a large worship service, and a guest singer was bellowing out the old hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." As he sang, he somehow understood that my heart was also singing the words over and over again:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows, like sea billows roll,
What 'ere be my lot, you have taught me to say,
"It is well. it is well, with my soul."
I was so lost in the power of the song that I did not even notice that he had stepped down from the podium and was singing as he walked through the audience, and he stopped and put the microphone to my lips. With eyes closed, I began to sing in harmony with him, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."
The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the office of my childhood pastor, my husband sitting next to me. I told the pastor how his abuse had damaged my life for many years. I told him how he had lied when he had said that he "loved" me, and how much it hurt to now recognize this. But then the most amazing thing happened. I became aware of God's strong presence with me, ever so gently reminding me that the purpose of this visit was solely to help the pastor see he was in need of repentance because the Father longed to forgive him. There could be absolutely no place for anger or revenge. My heart felt very pure and willing to obey my Father's gentle reminder. The pastor remained silent, and I was never able to know his reaction to my words. Maybe I don't need to know, and that's why the dream shifted back to me singing from the depth of my being, "What 'ere be my lot, you have taught me to say, 'It is well, it is well, with my soul.'"
I awoke with the song in my head. I have been singing it all day. It follows me wherever I go. And somehow, somehow, I know that I have finally forgiven.
Monday, May 30, 2011
The Royal Wedding
Just a few weeks ago the world's attention was turned towards the royal wedding taking place at Westminster Abby in London. The flowers, the food, the dresses, the decorations...it all was being talked about everywhere.
Yet this evening I was thinking about how incredible it is that we are also part of a royal wedding, and are married to a King. Actually, the King of all Kings. So all the privileges and comforts of marrying into the royal family are ours. We have immediate access to the throne anytime we want to go there. We are honored and held in high esteem. We are provided for in every way. And the dowry paid for us was the life of our King Himself. What greater love could there be? What wedding more worthy of the world's attention?
I know how difficult it is for us at times to see ourselves as His beloved bride, when we struggle so with the conception of who we are and who He is, both very skewed by the lies that sexual abuse has coerced us to believe. But we must believe the truth. We are precious to the King, adored by Him, and truly loved. And the marriage is forever.
Yet this evening I was thinking about how incredible it is that we are also part of a royal wedding, and are married to a King. Actually, the King of all Kings. So all the privileges and comforts of marrying into the royal family are ours. We have immediate access to the throne anytime we want to go there. We are honored and held in high esteem. We are provided for in every way. And the dowry paid for us was the life of our King Himself. What greater love could there be? What wedding more worthy of the world's attention?
I know how difficult it is for us at times to see ourselves as His beloved bride, when we struggle so with the conception of who we are and who He is, both very skewed by the lies that sexual abuse has coerced us to believe. But we must believe the truth. We are precious to the King, adored by Him, and truly loved. And the marriage is forever.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Just Child's Play
Man may think he has a heads up on the technology of instant, worldwide communication systems, but his knowledge is just child's play when it comes to God's network. Our Heavenly Father crosses timezones, has amazing links, and never has a power outage or drops a call. Every time I experience His networking system, I am left speechless, teary-eyed and awe-stricken. Take today, for instance.
I woke up feeling anxious. As many of you know, I am soon to leave for Italy where I will be speaking to support groups who help abused women. I think I was allowing myself to feel rushed and worried about having so much to do and prepare for this trip, and time seemed like it was running out. I felt the responsibility to bring a message of hope to each women at the meetings, feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it. I know better than to be anxious, I know God is in control, that it's not about me, and I should relax. But I just couldn't. So I plainly told Him I was having a rough time and He would have to help relieve the anxiety, because my efforts to be at peace were proving futile. So instead of Facebook, the "God Network" began.
Shortly after my plea to God the phone rang. It was a dear friend from Florida who said she felt she had to just call and tell me she loved me. She is going through a difficult time with a very sick husband, so my anxiousness did not seem worthy to even discuss. But we did, and her words were "You were born for this day. God's got you covered from the front and behind. Have fun with this mission and enjoy what He is doing." I knew she was right, and the next few hours I diverted my "introspection" to listening to praise music as I worked on a purse.
Then by late afternoon, my morning plea was turned into tears of gratefulness. The wonderful lady that I had met seven years ago and suddenly reappeared in my life a few weeks ago, (last blog entry) stopped by to give me the bookmarks I had made for the ladies in Italy, that she had laminated for me. That's not counting the 100 tissue holders that she made for the trip! But the most awesome thing was when she handed me a little gift. It was a card she had laminated, with beautiful butterflies, and this verse: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him"..Romans 15:13. Could it be more direct than that?
But that's not all. We talked for a while, I shared a song with her called "Broken into Beautiful" that I will be using in Italy, and I gave her one of the tissue holders which I had decorated with ribbon and a beautiful organza butterfly. It was a blessed time together of sharing all that God is doing. I couldn't thank her enough for all she had done in helping me show the Italian women with these little gifts that they are loved and special. She left, and I started back to work.
Then I heard a knock on the door. It was Margo again. She said "God wouldn't let me get away without buying more books." I was speechless. She had already been more than a generous supporter of this mission in every way. But she handed me a check for fifteen more books and five abuse booklets. And she added some extra! I signed all the books, thanking her over and over again. She was plugged into God's network, and I was the recipient, and of course, the ladies in Italy.
After she left, the tears came. They flooded my face and dripped on my sewing table. Tears of gratefulness. Too much for words. God was speaking to me, loud and clear, exchanging my worries for the awareness of His greatness, His plan, His purpose, His provision. Connecting the past to the present and future, all in one moment. But that's His operating system at work, His wonderful, powerful network where believers hear his commands, move by His Spirit, and are not bound by time.
I woke up feeling anxious. As many of you know, I am soon to leave for Italy where I will be speaking to support groups who help abused women. I think I was allowing myself to feel rushed and worried about having so much to do and prepare for this trip, and time seemed like it was running out. I felt the responsibility to bring a message of hope to each women at the meetings, feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it. I know better than to be anxious, I know God is in control, that it's not about me, and I should relax. But I just couldn't. So I plainly told Him I was having a rough time and He would have to help relieve the anxiety, because my efforts to be at peace were proving futile. So instead of Facebook, the "God Network" began.
Shortly after my plea to God the phone rang. It was a dear friend from Florida who said she felt she had to just call and tell me she loved me. She is going through a difficult time with a very sick husband, so my anxiousness did not seem worthy to even discuss. But we did, and her words were "You were born for this day. God's got you covered from the front and behind. Have fun with this mission and enjoy what He is doing." I knew she was right, and the next few hours I diverted my "introspection" to listening to praise music as I worked on a purse.
Then by late afternoon, my morning plea was turned into tears of gratefulness. The wonderful lady that I had met seven years ago and suddenly reappeared in my life a few weeks ago, (last blog entry) stopped by to give me the bookmarks I had made for the ladies in Italy, that she had laminated for me. That's not counting the 100 tissue holders that she made for the trip! But the most awesome thing was when she handed me a little gift. It was a card she had laminated, with beautiful butterflies, and this verse: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him"..Romans 15:13. Could it be more direct than that?
But that's not all. We talked for a while, I shared a song with her called "Broken into Beautiful" that I will be using in Italy, and I gave her one of the tissue holders which I had decorated with ribbon and a beautiful organza butterfly. It was a blessed time together of sharing all that God is doing. I couldn't thank her enough for all she had done in helping me show the Italian women with these little gifts that they are loved and special. She left, and I started back to work.
Then I heard a knock on the door. It was Margo again. She said "God wouldn't let me get away without buying more books." I was speechless. She had already been more than a generous supporter of this mission in every way. But she handed me a check for fifteen more books and five abuse booklets. And she added some extra! I signed all the books, thanking her over and over again. She was plugged into God's network, and I was the recipient, and of course, the ladies in Italy.
After she left, the tears came. They flooded my face and dripped on my sewing table. Tears of gratefulness. Too much for words. God was speaking to me, loud and clear, exchanging my worries for the awareness of His greatness, His plan, His purpose, His provision. Connecting the past to the present and future, all in one moment. But that's His operating system at work, His wonderful, powerful network where believers hear his commands, move by His Spirit, and are not bound by time.
Monday, May 2, 2011
There Are No Mistakes in God's World
It's so easy to be tempted to think when life isn't going well that God has made a mistake. That He has failed in some way. But He is God, and cannot fail. We see only the part that hurts or frightens us, but He sees the whole picture, from beginning to end. And if we will trust that He is ultimately the Lord of All, then we may get a glimpse of His love and mercy, even in the darkest hours.
Last week at this time I was not sure if my husband would be undergoing a difficult surgery that had the possibility of changing life forever as we know it. It wasn't good. My trip to Italy to minister to abused women seemed like a hopeless dream. I was not sure what was happening, and had plenty of questions for my Father. Yet, (as I wrote in my last blog), God met me in the hospital waiting room in the form of two wonderful strangers who quickly became a spiritual support for me, and I a blessing for them. It was a divine appointment. In the midst of the storm, I saw "Jesus walking on the water" through the encounter with these two people.
I came home from the hospital and was writing the last blog when my phone rang. A woman I did not recognize began to introduce herself. These were her very words: "I met you seven years ago at the Billy Graham cove and purchased your book, My Eyes Have Seen Thy Glory. Just last night I saw it in my bookshelf, took it out, flipped through it, and decided to read it again. I then felt that I needed to call you and order 25 books to give as Easter gifts. I felt God was telling me you may need funds for missions. I hope you have some more books, and am so glad your phone number hasn't changed." I was shocked! Stunned! Seven years later a woman who I only met once was calling me for books. And she had no idea that we always use the book proceeds for missions and that I had a pending trip to Italy!
The next day she came by the house to pick up the books, and also decided to purchase a purse! (I design and make women's purses). We talked for three hours about God's goodness and how He makes no mistakes. Our meeting seven years prior was all part of a total plan. We ended our time together with prayer. I felt encouraged that all would be well.
My husband underwent some more testing later on last week and all the results were normal! Praise God! The Italy trip is on!
I'm meeting with this woman again tomorrow because she wants fifteen more books and some of the sexual abuse booklets that I just published. I have no idea of all the ramifications of our paths crossing seven years ago, and now being suddenly reunited. I only am reminded once again that God is in control of the universe, as well as the events in our lives, and He makes no mistakes. He can get us through the darkest night, and joy does comes in the morning. May His Name be praised forever!
Last week at this time I was not sure if my husband would be undergoing a difficult surgery that had the possibility of changing life forever as we know it. It wasn't good. My trip to Italy to minister to abused women seemed like a hopeless dream. I was not sure what was happening, and had plenty of questions for my Father. Yet, (as I wrote in my last blog), God met me in the hospital waiting room in the form of two wonderful strangers who quickly became a spiritual support for me, and I a blessing for them. It was a divine appointment. In the midst of the storm, I saw "Jesus walking on the water" through the encounter with these two people.
I came home from the hospital and was writing the last blog when my phone rang. A woman I did not recognize began to introduce herself. These were her very words: "I met you seven years ago at the Billy Graham cove and purchased your book, My Eyes Have Seen Thy Glory. Just last night I saw it in my bookshelf, took it out, flipped through it, and decided to read it again. I then felt that I needed to call you and order 25 books to give as Easter gifts. I felt God was telling me you may need funds for missions. I hope you have some more books, and am so glad your phone number hasn't changed." I was shocked! Stunned! Seven years later a woman who I only met once was calling me for books. And she had no idea that we always use the book proceeds for missions and that I had a pending trip to Italy!
The next day she came by the house to pick up the books, and also decided to purchase a purse! (I design and make women's purses). We talked for three hours about God's goodness and how He makes no mistakes. Our meeting seven years prior was all part of a total plan. We ended our time together with prayer. I felt encouraged that all would be well.
My husband underwent some more testing later on last week and all the results were normal! Praise God! The Italy trip is on!
I'm meeting with this woman again tomorrow because she wants fifteen more books and some of the sexual abuse booklets that I just published. I have no idea of all the ramifications of our paths crossing seven years ago, and now being suddenly reunited. I only am reminded once again that God is in control of the universe, as well as the events in our lives, and He makes no mistakes. He can get us through the darkest night, and joy does comes in the morning. May His Name be praised forever!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Divine Encounters
Life has its way of taking some difficult turns. It’s almost as if when things are going well, we can expect the serenity to be short-lived, and to soon be facing some calamity. Maybe it’s just the way this life is, a product of the fall of man. But when Jesus came, He did promise that we could live with peace, security, and freedom from fear. He said we could “renew” our minds. He assured us over and over again that our Father loves us and every hair on our head is numbered. Our circumstances may seem insurmountable, but we are told we can do all things in Christ who strengthens us. I am resting on those truths today.
So here I am, once again in a waiting room at the hospital while Pedro is undergoing some tests that could totally change the course of our lives. And, just like was the case a few months ago, a speaking engagement in Italy now wavers in the balance of the unknown.
The last time Pedro and I faced a similar crisis, we were in the emergency room and the nurse who attended Pedro had recognized him as a past elder from Central Church. She broke down in tears and told us that very morning she had been asking God to send her an elder to pray for her, because she was in a terrible situation. While Pedro lay in the hospital bed, we prayed, she cried, and I was sure this had to be a sign from God that all would be well, that we were there for the sake of the nurse's prayer being answered, and that the Italy trip would happen as planned. I was dead wrong. Later that week emergency surgery was scheduled. The trip was delayed two weeks.
I only prayed this morning that God would use my hours in the waiting room to be a blessing to someone, and as a last minute thought, I had tucked the little sexual abuse booklet I had written in my purse before we had left home.
They took Pedro for the MRI's and I walked into the waiting room. A sweet Afro-American lady with a T-shirt that let the world know she believed in God was the sole person in the room with me. I thought, “she will be good company,” but within a few minutes she left and I was alone. So I began to write the first paragraph of this journal entry.
Shortly after, a big, Afro-American man came in and sat down. We exchanged a few words, and then I continued writing. Little did I know that this would be an incredible encounter.
Something was on TV on the Dr. Phil show that caused us to strike up a conversation about childhood wounds. The man then told me he was a pastor and that God was dealing with him in this area. We shared non-stop conversation for two hours, at times including his wife as she was in and out checking on her mom. It was amazing the union of spirit that we all immediately felt! His wife works with the women at their church, so I shared my story. She immediately told me about some of her friends who had been abused. I pulled the booklet out of my purse and gave it to her as a gift, so grateful I had heeded the prompting of bringing it with me. She insisted on paying for it so she could “be a blessing.”
We discussed so many relevant issues concerning the Christian walk. Then her husband said he felt we should pray. We all stood in the waiting room, hands held tightly, and he prayed for Pedro’s complete healing and our future ministries, as well as for his mother-in-law. There we were, three complete strangers, united by our love for Jesus. One more time it let me know that God loves His children and watches out for us. All three of us recognized that our hours together today were no accident. Plans were made to reconnect, a possibility of me speaking at their ladies’ meeting, and whatever else may come of this God- planned encounter. It is an exciting life to be a follower of Christ!
I learned the last time with the nurse at our previous hospital episode, that when things like this happen, it does not necessarily mean that God is saying there is smooth sailing ahead. But it does show in a tangible way that God is very mindful of what we are going through and that we are not alone. May His Holy Name be Glorified! He is in control!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Missing Chunk Part 2
I know the horse bite analogy may be a little far fetched, but I have to add this sequal anyway.
The other morning I was walking in the park. The weather was beautiful and I enjoyed the slice of time that I was taking for myself. As I walked, I accidentally touched the tip of my horse-bitten finger on my jeans and felt immediate pain. I couldn't imagine that it could still hurt like that, because the outside was totally healed. I never even thought about it anymore, and there was only a barely visible mark where the nasty wound had been. I must have touched it just right, however, because it hurt, and then reminded me that the inside must still be healing, even though the outside was fine.
Then it occurred to me that my life was like my finger. The Lord definitely did a marvelous work of healing in me, and I rarely think about my childhood abuse anymore. On the outside, no one would know the pain my deep wounds had caused me in the past. But every once in a while, if the circumstances are just right, a sharp pain radiates from the inside out, and I realize that there is still a part of me that is in the process of healing. But just as I know my finger will totally heal soon from its injury, I believe the day will come when all that will be left of the abuse will be a painless memory.
The other morning I was walking in the park. The weather was beautiful and I enjoyed the slice of time that I was taking for myself. As I walked, I accidentally touched the tip of my horse-bitten finger on my jeans and felt immediate pain. I couldn't imagine that it could still hurt like that, because the outside was totally healed. I never even thought about it anymore, and there was only a barely visible mark where the nasty wound had been. I must have touched it just right, however, because it hurt, and then reminded me that the inside must still be healing, even though the outside was fine.
Then it occurred to me that my life was like my finger. The Lord definitely did a marvelous work of healing in me, and I rarely think about my childhood abuse anymore. On the outside, no one would know the pain my deep wounds had caused me in the past. But every once in a while, if the circumstances are just right, a sharp pain radiates from the inside out, and I realize that there is still a part of me that is in the process of healing. But just as I know my finger will totally heal soon from its injury, I believe the day will come when all that will be left of the abuse will be a painless memory.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A King's Daughter
I was at a conference last Saturday where author Becky Harling was the guest speaker. I was very moved by her story of abuse and recovery. She has a new book out called "Freedom from Performance", and with her permission, I am posting a section called "Characteristics of a Daughter." Good truths for meditation.
A daughter enjoys full assurance that her Father loves her completely.
A daughter views God as close and addresses Him with intimate terms such as "Abba" or "My Father."
A daughter defines faith as trusting that she is loved and that God will provide what is best.
A daughter defines obedience as simply responding to her loving Father.
A daughter enjoys freedom from fear of her Father's disapproval or wrath.
A daughter has learned to rely on the Holy Spirit for life transformation. She prays, Holy Spirit, live your life through me."
A daughter lives with steady joy. It's not that she doesn't experience deep sorrow, but she knows she is the sparkle of her Daddy's eye and that brings a rooted joy that no circumstances can change.
A daughter enjoys full assurance that her Father loves her completely.
A daughter views God as close and addresses Him with intimate terms such as "Abba" or "My Father."
A daughter defines faith as trusting that she is loved and that God will provide what is best.
A daughter defines obedience as simply responding to her loving Father.
A daughter enjoys freedom from fear of her Father's disapproval or wrath.
A daughter has learned to rely on the Holy Spirit for life transformation. She prays, Holy Spirit, live your life through me."
A daughter lives with steady joy. It's not that she doesn't experience deep sorrow, but she knows she is the sparkle of her Daddy's eye and that brings a rooted joy that no circumstances can change.
Friday, April 1, 2011
His Pursuing Love
This week at The King's Daughter's Support Groups we ended the meetings with the commitment to pray that God would reveal His love to us in a very special way that we could recognize and understand. That was Monday and Tuesday. This is only Friday, and already I am speechless at the ways He is answering this prayer for me personally.
First of all, my mom, who is 84 years old and has never acknowledged the fact that almost my entire childhood was a horror story of abuse, for the very first time last night, instead of denial, told me that she was sorry. She apologized over and over. I cannot explain what that felt like for me to hear those words after all these years. (Earlier this week I had asked some ladies to pray that my mom would recognize the truth, and quite honestly, I was not expecting an answer so quickly). Not only did that conversation happen, but when I suggested to her that we meet together and do the study questions from Becky Harling's book,"Rewriting Your Emotional Script," she agreed. We even met at Walmart today and bought journals so we could record our answers! You would have to know my mother to know what a miracle this truly is! I am in awe. And she seemed like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders.
While at Walmart this afternoon, another amazing event happened that clearly showed me how God pursues us, trying so hard to get us to understand the depth of His love for us. Maybe God works a lot at Walmart! Anyway, this past Christmas I had been shopping, and as I was leaving the store the lady who checks receipts stopped me and asked to see mine. I opened my little change purse to get the receipt, and she commented on how she loved my little purse. So I proceeded to tell her that I design and make one-of-a-kind purses. Then, in the depth of my heart, I knew I was supposed to give her one. So I told her that I would make one for her, and asked what type of print she wanted. She said she liked flowers, and that she actually worked in the garden department, but for some reason that night they had put her at the door. She asked the price, and I told her, but insisted that it would be a gift, and she insisted that she would pay me.
The next day I went back to Walmart with her little flower change purse, all gift wrapped. I couldn't find her anywhere, and finally asked at the fitting room area if they could have her paged. I waited. She didn't appear. So they paged her again. A few moments later I could see her in the distance, hurrying down the isle, a noticeable limp on one leg, a worried look on her face. I met her before she got to the fitting room area. She explained that she didn't know why they were paging her or what she had done wrong. I quickly told her that I had asked them to page her and was sorry for upsetting her. I then handed her the gift bag with the change purse. Tears began to well up in her eyes and then spill down her face. I told her that God loved her, and that no matter what she was going through, He wanted her to know that she was precious to Him. I had no idea if she even believed in God. But that is what I felt to tell her at that moment. She stood sobbing and speechless, and then wiped her face and thanked me. I left Walmart that day with the most incredible sense of well-being.
That was December. I have been in and out of Walmart a hundred times since then, never seeing her again. But today, for some reason I thought I would enter through the garden department and see if she was there. And she was at the register! I could see she was busy, so I met my mom, bought the journals, and decided to pay at the garden register on my way out. As I approached, she appeared to be really struggling emotionally and physically. Maybe she has Parkinson's, because she was shaking. She looked at me strangely, almost as if embarrassed, so I asked if she remembered me. She said she certainly did, and that she loved her little purse. Then she asked,"What is your name again?" and I told her. "That's what I thought." she replied. "We were just talking about you the other day." I waited for her to clarify. "You don't know me, but many years ago, my husband did some plumbing for you. We were in a desperate situation, and you and your husband gave us your car." I just couldn't believe it! In 1994, a plumber had come to work on a new addition we were putting on our house and had told us his very sad story. We were planning on trading our car for a new one, but felt so strongly that God had told us to give our car to the plumber instead, and so we had, even though that was a sacrifice for us at the time. But we never lacked a car since that day. And today, nearly 20 years later, I find out that the woman I had given the purse to just a few months ago was his wife! Again, she stood in Walmart trying to subdue the tears that were forming. I excitedly hugged her. I don't know what the other people waiting in line thought. But it didn't matter. God was pursuing this family with His love and allowing me to be a part of it all. Of all the people in Walmart I could have chosen to give a gift to, and God put her on my heart!
I left Walmart today almost skipping. If God could pursue this woman in this manner over a period of so many years to assure her that she was loved, cared, and provided for, then He was also pursuing me!
And you!
"And this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1John 4:10
First of all, my mom, who is 84 years old and has never acknowledged the fact that almost my entire childhood was a horror story of abuse, for the very first time last night, instead of denial, told me that she was sorry. She apologized over and over. I cannot explain what that felt like for me to hear those words after all these years. (Earlier this week I had asked some ladies to pray that my mom would recognize the truth, and quite honestly, I was not expecting an answer so quickly). Not only did that conversation happen, but when I suggested to her that we meet together and do the study questions from Becky Harling's book,"Rewriting Your Emotional Script," she agreed. We even met at Walmart today and bought journals so we could record our answers! You would have to know my mother to know what a miracle this truly is! I am in awe. And she seemed like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders.
While at Walmart this afternoon, another amazing event happened that clearly showed me how God pursues us, trying so hard to get us to understand the depth of His love for us. Maybe God works a lot at Walmart! Anyway, this past Christmas I had been shopping, and as I was leaving the store the lady who checks receipts stopped me and asked to see mine. I opened my little change purse to get the receipt, and she commented on how she loved my little purse. So I proceeded to tell her that I design and make one-of-a-kind purses. Then, in the depth of my heart, I knew I was supposed to give her one. So I told her that I would make one for her, and asked what type of print she wanted. She said she liked flowers, and that she actually worked in the garden department, but for some reason that night they had put her at the door. She asked the price, and I told her, but insisted that it would be a gift, and she insisted that she would pay me.
The next day I went back to Walmart with her little flower change purse, all gift wrapped. I couldn't find her anywhere, and finally asked at the fitting room area if they could have her paged. I waited. She didn't appear. So they paged her again. A few moments later I could see her in the distance, hurrying down the isle, a noticeable limp on one leg, a worried look on her face. I met her before she got to the fitting room area. She explained that she didn't know why they were paging her or what she had done wrong. I quickly told her that I had asked them to page her and was sorry for upsetting her. I then handed her the gift bag with the change purse. Tears began to well up in her eyes and then spill down her face. I told her that God loved her, and that no matter what she was going through, He wanted her to know that she was precious to Him. I had no idea if she even believed in God. But that is what I felt to tell her at that moment. She stood sobbing and speechless, and then wiped her face and thanked me. I left Walmart that day with the most incredible sense of well-being.
That was December. I have been in and out of Walmart a hundred times since then, never seeing her again. But today, for some reason I thought I would enter through the garden department and see if she was there. And she was at the register! I could see she was busy, so I met my mom, bought the journals, and decided to pay at the garden register on my way out. As I approached, she appeared to be really struggling emotionally and physically. Maybe she has Parkinson's, because she was shaking. She looked at me strangely, almost as if embarrassed, so I asked if she remembered me. She said she certainly did, and that she loved her little purse. Then she asked,"What is your name again?" and I told her. "That's what I thought." she replied. "We were just talking about you the other day." I waited for her to clarify. "You don't know me, but many years ago, my husband did some plumbing for you. We were in a desperate situation, and you and your husband gave us your car." I just couldn't believe it! In 1994, a plumber had come to work on a new addition we were putting on our house and had told us his very sad story. We were planning on trading our car for a new one, but felt so strongly that God had told us to give our car to the plumber instead, and so we had, even though that was a sacrifice for us at the time. But we never lacked a car since that day. And today, nearly 20 years later, I find out that the woman I had given the purse to just a few months ago was his wife! Again, she stood in Walmart trying to subdue the tears that were forming. I excitedly hugged her. I don't know what the other people waiting in line thought. But it didn't matter. God was pursuing this family with His love and allowing me to be a part of it all. Of all the people in Walmart I could have chosen to give a gift to, and God put her on my heart!
I left Walmart today almost skipping. If God could pursue this woman in this manner over a period of so many years to assure her that she was loved, cared, and provided for, then He was also pursuing me!
And you!
"And this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1John 4:10
Friday, March 25, 2011
R&R-Redeemer Relationships
Last night I had the wonderful pleasure of spending a few hours with a precious young woman who had suffered horrific childhood abuse, but was well on her way to healing and wholeness. One of the topics of discussion was how difficult it can be to have meaningful relationships, and to fully grasp that others could actually "love" us. And that harder still at times is grasping the fact that God actually, truly loves us, just as we are. Most people, if they are honest, struggle to some degree with the concept of God as a "loving Father." But survivors of childhood abuse, especially sexual abuse, find it very difficult to believe this. How could a loving Father abandon us to such evil when we were so very young and helpless? Why didn't He respond to our cries and rescue us?
We spoke at length about what healing from these doubts "looks" like, and how abuse survivors can attain it. We came to a very simple conclusion: we need to ask God to reveal His love in very special ways that cannot be misunderstood, but rather clearly recognized.
I have prayed this prayer many times in my own life over the last few years, and God has been faithful to reveal His love in simple ways that I truly grasp, in unexpected moments. Sometimes it's through nature, like when a beautiful group of seven deer crossed the road in front of me in broad daylight just as I had been asking Him to "make my feet like the feet of deer and set me on high places." (Psalm 18:33). I will never forget the awe of that moment!
But most of the time He answers through people: "Redeemer relationships," I call them. A card in the mail just at the right moment from a caring friend, an encouraging phone call, a financial need unexpectedly met through one of His children, and the list goes on. Just as my wounded finger is being healed (read The Missing Chunk blog) from the power within my own body, the body of Christ can and should bring healing to the wounded. It is here that childhood distortions of what a real relationship looks like can be clarified. It is where we can experience God's love in a tangible, unmistakable way. It is here that we can be redeemed from past hurts, fears, and misconceptions about relationships in general, and gain insight into a healthy relationship with God.
To those who are on the journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse, I pray that you will have the courage to ask God to reveal His love to you in a simple, special way.
To the body of Christ, the church, I pray that you will understand the healing power in "Redeemer relationships" and be a participant with God in answering the prayers of the brokenhearted.
We spoke at length about what healing from these doubts "looks" like, and how abuse survivors can attain it. We came to a very simple conclusion: we need to ask God to reveal His love in very special ways that cannot be misunderstood, but rather clearly recognized.
I have prayed this prayer many times in my own life over the last few years, and God has been faithful to reveal His love in simple ways that I truly grasp, in unexpected moments. Sometimes it's through nature, like when a beautiful group of seven deer crossed the road in front of me in broad daylight just as I had been asking Him to "make my feet like the feet of deer and set me on high places." (Psalm 18:33). I will never forget the awe of that moment!
But most of the time He answers through people: "Redeemer relationships," I call them. A card in the mail just at the right moment from a caring friend, an encouraging phone call, a financial need unexpectedly met through one of His children, and the list goes on. Just as my wounded finger is being healed (read The Missing Chunk blog) from the power within my own body, the body of Christ can and should bring healing to the wounded. It is here that childhood distortions of what a real relationship looks like can be clarified. It is where we can experience God's love in a tangible, unmistakable way. It is here that we can be redeemed from past hurts, fears, and misconceptions about relationships in general, and gain insight into a healthy relationship with God.
To those who are on the journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse, I pray that you will have the courage to ask God to reveal His love to you in a simple, special way.
To the body of Christ, the church, I pray that you will understand the healing power in "Redeemer relationships" and be a participant with God in answering the prayers of the brokenhearted.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Missing Chunk
Yesterday I was down at the barn with a visitor and I decided to inspect my horse's mouth because he had been acting strangely. Horses sometimes get sharp points on their back molars which then need to be filed down. It can cause them a lot of discomfort as well as weight loss. So I carefully slid my index finger up the inside of his gum to feel for a point. There it was, sharp as a razor! But before I could withdraw my finger, my gentle steed decided to chomp down on a piece of stray hay he had hidden in his mouth. I felt intense pain as I quickly removed my finger. There was a gush of blood, and I ran across the field to the house holding my finger, in a futile effort to stop the blood flow. As I placed the profusely bleeding finger under running water and then doused it with peroxide, I couldn't discern the total damage, but I could see a chunk was missing. Not stitchable, I was sure, because the flesh was gone! A trip to Urgent Care for bandaging, a tetanus shot, and some pain killer was imminent. So I am experiencing throbbing pain, have certain restrictions, and a rather lengthy time frame ahead of me as the healing process begins. Actually, from the inside out.
I know this is not a pretty analogy, but there is nothing pretty about sexual abuse either. It bites a big chunk out of our body and soul and leaves us bleeding and throbbing in silent pain. A part of us is just gone: dignity, the experience of healthy God-given sexuality, normal behavioral development, to name few. Instead, we are left bleeding with shame, guilt, fear and a myriad of other issues. We may think we can just "stitch up the wound" and forget about it, but the reality is that the heart has had a big chunk removed and it must heal from the inside out. And that, short of a miracle, takes time and may be painful.
But the good news is that my finger will heal! The miraculous capability of the human body to fill in the missing chunk is remarkable. And the even greater news is that we have a Healer, who himself was wounded, left to die, bleeding and naked. He understands. He knows about the missing chunk that was stolen from our being when we were betrayed and left naked. He understands betrayal and shame. And He wants to heal us. Not just superficially, but from the inside out. He did not create us to go through life with a missing chunk. He created us to live in wholeness, with a deep inner joy as we gaze into His eyes and realize He truly does love us. He did not remain dead or wounded, but rather was resurrected in power and glory. Neither do we need to remain wounded. His resurrection power will also raise us up! What a Redeemer!!!
"Just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in the likeness of His resurrection." Romans 6:4b
I know this is not a pretty analogy, but there is nothing pretty about sexual abuse either. It bites a big chunk out of our body and soul and leaves us bleeding and throbbing in silent pain. A part of us is just gone: dignity, the experience of healthy God-given sexuality, normal behavioral development, to name few. Instead, we are left bleeding with shame, guilt, fear and a myriad of other issues. We may think we can just "stitch up the wound" and forget about it, but the reality is that the heart has had a big chunk removed and it must heal from the inside out. And that, short of a miracle, takes time and may be painful.
But the good news is that my finger will heal! The miraculous capability of the human body to fill in the missing chunk is remarkable. And the even greater news is that we have a Healer, who himself was wounded, left to die, bleeding and naked. He understands. He knows about the missing chunk that was stolen from our being when we were betrayed and left naked. He understands betrayal and shame. And He wants to heal us. Not just superficially, but from the inside out. He did not create us to go through life with a missing chunk. He created us to live in wholeness, with a deep inner joy as we gaze into His eyes and realize He truly does love us. He did not remain dead or wounded, but rather was resurrected in power and glory. Neither do we need to remain wounded. His resurrection power will also raise us up! What a Redeemer!!!
"Just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in the likeness of His resurrection." Romans 6:4b
Friday, March 18, 2011
Reality
As I was just beginning the process of healing in my own life, I wrote this poem. I'm sure many of you will be able to relate.
One night I was born,
the child of a soft smile
and still softer eyes.
A hand was stretched out
and I blindly clasped it,
not knowing why, or how,
or what would come.
I only knew it was there.
And I began to grow
gazing at a clear blue sky,
never seeing the cloud
until it was ebony.
And I feared the rain.
My hand was slipping,
but his held on tightly.
I knew it was there.
Then I no longer knew
my own being.
That soft smile,
now filled my soul with tears.
And I feigned it a dream,
But was wounded by the sharp
reality.
For I was no longer a child
And life no longer a fantasy.
One night I was born,
the child of a soft smile
and still softer eyes.
A hand was stretched out
and I blindly clasped it,
not knowing why, or how,
or what would come.
I only knew it was there.
And I began to grow
gazing at a clear blue sky,
never seeing the cloud
until it was ebony.
And I feared the rain.
My hand was slipping,
but his held on tightly.
I knew it was there.
Then I no longer knew
my own being.
That soft smile,
now filled my soul with tears.
And I feigned it a dream,
But was wounded by the sharp
reality.
For I was no longer a child
And life no longer a fantasy.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
In the beginning
Did you ever think about the order of creation? I have been giving it a lot of thought lately. God seems to have created the lesser forms of life first and then moved up the scale to the most complex. First the plants, fish, birds, mammals, and finally man. Well, not exactly. Woman was actually the last creature to come from God's creative hand. The height of His creation. Beauty at its best.
And did you realize that she did not even exist when God first warned Adam not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil? So why didn't Satan just go to the man and tempt him? Why bypass the one God warned and go to the woman?
It's only my theory, but I believe Satan knew from the beginning that the woman had the capability of reflecting the part of God's image that was crucial for human survival...His love. Not that I think men do not have the capacity to love. That would be ludicrous. But women seem to have a depth to the way they can demonstrate love...the very character of God. And a mother's love is undefinable in its depths. Is that why God chose the womb of a woman to become incarnate? Did he not show His love firsthand in the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus? Born of a virgin? So from the very beginning, the last of God's creation, the woman, was a threat to Satan. Is that why through the centuries women all over the world have been abused in many different ways? I believe it is. I am convinced that if women can be made to feel "unlovable" and "worthless" then they will not be able to fulfill their purpose: to reflect God's love on the earth. And Satan will have won.
But we know that will not be the case. More and more God is redeeming His daughters. Healing their wounds. Making them whole. Restoring their intended beauty. And we, the King's Daughters, are shining like a beacon, beaming with His redeeming love.
And did you realize that she did not even exist when God first warned Adam not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil? So why didn't Satan just go to the man and tempt him? Why bypass the one God warned and go to the woman?
It's only my theory, but I believe Satan knew from the beginning that the woman had the capability of reflecting the part of God's image that was crucial for human survival...His love. Not that I think men do not have the capacity to love. That would be ludicrous. But women seem to have a depth to the way they can demonstrate love...the very character of God. And a mother's love is undefinable in its depths. Is that why God chose the womb of a woman to become incarnate? Did he not show His love firsthand in the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus? Born of a virgin? So from the very beginning, the last of God's creation, the woman, was a threat to Satan. Is that why through the centuries women all over the world have been abused in many different ways? I believe it is. I am convinced that if women can be made to feel "unlovable" and "worthless" then they will not be able to fulfill their purpose: to reflect God's love on the earth. And Satan will have won.
But we know that will not be the case. More and more God is redeeming His daughters. Healing their wounds. Making them whole. Restoring their intended beauty. And we, the King's Daughters, are shining like a beacon, beaming with His redeeming love.
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